I have followers! Two of them!

Hello to my two followers. Thank you for reading my blog. I really hope you can inspire me because lately I am just stuck. This weekend was filled with lots of hard work but no working out. I had intended to walk on the treadmill again this weekend and I didn't do it. I did clean the whole house on Saturday though, does that count? I also listed a ton of stuff on Ebay in our store - but that was basically me sitting on my butt.

Quite a few times this weekend my body ached. I know it's the weight. I get it. Lose the weight, you'll feel better, you'll look better, you'll have better self esteem, you'll fit into all that clothes you own (all that cute stuff!), you'll be healthier. Should I keep going?! Nah.... I know this stuff. I feel it all the time. I feel it every single time I over-eat or I run around with my kids and I get out of breath, or I tell my four year old that I can't pick her up and dance with her because she is too heavy for me. Well, if I lost all this damn weight I could carry her around.

I just don't know why I can't do this. Maybe it's because I went for a physical in December and all my blood tests came back OK. When the nurse called with my results she said, and I quote, "the doctor said to keep doing what you're doing, you're doing great!". Ummm... really? I'm obese! How is that great? I did tell the doctor that I was doing Weight Watchers (because I was at the time), and she said that was "great". So maybe that is what the nurse meant when she said to keep doing the same thing - "keep losing the weight, dummy, don't GAIN it!.

I can't keep coming up with excuses. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. It's true! I've been there. I was a size 12 and I loved it! Heck, I would settle for being a size 14 now. I figure after having two kids a size 14 would be something to be proud of. I want to have a neck. I want to have one chin. I want to not look like I am pregnant. I want to be pretty. Confession, I want to fit into my wedding dress again. Not because I will wear it anywhere (maybe grocery shopping like that chick in the Progresso Soup commercial - ha!), but I want to put it on and zip.it.up. I want to show it to my daughters and see what they think of it. They probably won't be impressed though. haha!! Seriously if you knew my girls you would laugh out loud at that because my oldest would probably not have any reaction at all. But I would. Maybe that's what I should focus on. Should that be my "goal dress"? The outfit I have to wear? For grocery shopping for Christmas dinner?  ;)

Sometimes I just wanna be OK with being fat...

Sometimes I think I'll be fat forever and I need to just accept that. I know my husband loves me at any weight - I am too damn lucky. I have begged him to not let me get to 300 pounds. I told him to never let me become one of those people on the motorized carts at Walmart that is bulging over the edges of the seat. Some times I think I should just be happy and fat. But I don't want to be, I have too many reasons to lose this weight for good.

What's wrong with me? I get all gung-ho on this new lifestyle thing and then three days into I throw it all away. It's either starting over the next week or the next month - I'm constantly re-starting. I'm always saying, "I'll start again on Monday".

Wednesday was a rough afternoon so my hubby got Arbys for dinner. I didn't do too bad though - honestly. I was feeling guilty about it which I think is good - at least I realize I shouldn't be doing it, right? Yesterday afternoon was not much better. I did get my walk in during the little one's nap time so that was good. But I'm having a rough time with my older child - just a lot of things we need to work on with her. I let the stress of the kids get to me. I eat. I give up. I cave in. So again when my hubby got home I was like, "let's get food!", because yes in my world that solves all my problems - at least for a half an hour or so....

It's not good for our health, and it's not good for our budget either. So we need to stop this. NOW!

So tonight I will make dinner with the chicken I intended to make on Wednesday night. I am going to make a mac n' cheese soup with vegetables to go along with it. I think it will help with the cold I am battling right now, and I'm hoping my youngest will eat it too. I know the oldest won't - there's no hope for that. It's not entirely healthy, but it's not horrible either. I'm not counting calories or anything right now. I'm going to give good choices eating a month or so and if it doesn't work then I'll start journaling my food and really looking at stats. For now I am just focusing on trying to eat less, make better choices, and walking four times a week. We will see how that goes and then go from there. It's not a race. I don't have an event or a special party to go - no dress I have to fit into. Maybe that's a bad thing though - I don't have a time-frame for my goal. I wonder if I should have one. I have no followers (yet - hopefully I will soon!) so I can't ask for advice on that one.